- Apr 27, 2016

Baring/Bearing The Soul

We made it to Passover. Hopefully calmly and happily, if not a bit exhausted. :) Along with all the Passover cleaning I was doing the weeks leading up to Passover, I was doing some internal cleaning as well. Here is that story.

There are some profound lessons that I learned this past week. In order to tell you about them, I need to share a bit of my soul. So here goes.

We’ll start with the feeling. Of loneliness. Crazy, right? I am surrounded by a loving and supportive created family (the one G-d, you, and your husband created). nuclear family, virtual soul peeps, real soul peeps, and great friends. Lonely?

Yeah, I couldn’t explain it either. But it was upsetting me a bit. I would seek out a specific friend, they would be unavailable, and I would feel lonely. Another time, a different friend, same result. Lonely. And I would look at all the people around me and still feel it. It was a soul longing. And I couldn’t really understand it, though I thought I could sort of explain it. See, when I have something going on in my life, I can narrow in on who I want to talk about it with. The person or people in my life who I feel are best suited to support me and help me through it. And they were unavailable at a time that I was processing something. So I thought that explained part of it, but the loneliness was so deep…there was something else.

After a few months of this, and a cycle of frustration from wanting to put this thing behind me but feeling like I did not have the outlet available to help me do so…and then being frustrated some more that this was the reality of the situation and why couldn’t I find someone else who could help?, the lightbulb came. See, the whole time, even though I was frustrated or lonely or both, I knew from experience that THIS IS THE PROCESS. It is not what I EXPECT to learn or HOW I expect to learn it. It is being patient, putting my thoughts about it aside, and surrendering to the reality of WHAT IS before me. So I waited. And I prayed for the clarity than I knew would come with time. And I raised my awareness to see that the lesson I thought I was supposed to learn and how I was supposed to learn it were me trying to manipulate the plan. And so I surrendered.

And then, one day, I listened to my intuition and put off a conversation with a friend. And found myself listening to a meditation I had downloaded days before but had not yet listened to. And then Deepak spoke the words I had been waiting to hear. He handed me my lightbulb. He said that when we carry a burden, a weight, around with us, we feel lonely. After all, it is only ours to bear. And it is not anything we asked for or wanted. And so, as we carry it around, we feel lonely. Alone.

Ah-hah. It was not the desire to talk to people who were unavailable that was making me feel lonely. It was the burden itself.

And this was quite a burden. Traumas I had experienced as a child had come up – incidents I knew about and remembered and have dealt with a few times in the past. But there is always more room for growth. Layers of scabs to be removed, aired out, and finally healed. And these newly-brought-to-awareness scabs were latched on good and did not want to fall off. I was carrying them around, trying to shake them off, but they were still attached by that little stubborn piece of new skin that just needed its time to fully heal before the scab covering it could fall off.

And after this lightbulb moment I had a few more revelations, and then a talk with a great friend and life coach, and more clarity came up.

What is the point I’m trying to make here? Well, a few things, really.

First, it is ALL a process. The hard times, the easy times, the fun and exciting times, and the times we feel in the dumps. Our part in the process is to keep moving forward. To have that grounded faith that we are developing into the beautiful flowers that we are. Sometimes the process is joyous and filled with light. At other times it’s painful and suffering is involved. Patience and faith. Being in the moment, knowing that just by getting through it and knowing all will unfold in time and being our best self in this moment is all that is expected of us – even if that means we are just getting by – that is all we need to do. Like a wise wise friend once told me a long time ago – there will be times in life when it feels that the water is pulling me under. Stay afloat. Always keep your head above the water.

Second, when you feel lonely and alone, consider what burden you may be carrying around with you. For me, it didn’t "help" that I had all these supportive friends and family around. I was hyperfocused on shedding the weight in one particular manner and so all the others were behind the blinders. Once I took those blinders off, once I truly surrendered to the plan, I saw why I was hyperfocused on that one path, learned my lesson from it, and saw other ways to shed my particular burden and lighten up. Ways that empowered me. You may be supported. You may be loved. And you still have burdens you carry. Accept them, surrender to the lessons they are here to teach you, and gently put them down so you can skip through life with ease and grace. Acknowledge your burdens.

Third – and this was the hardest part for me to learn – the answer to unloading our burdens always comes back to G-d. There is no loneliness when one fully accepts that it is all from G-d. I, however, well…part of the burden I was carrying around that I was not aware of us was an unacknowledged feeling of abandonment from G-d. Any time the thought that this was part of my burden came up, I dismissed it. I knew G-d never abandoned me. I knew always that all that ever happened to me was for my greatest good. So how could I ever have felt abandoned? But I had. I did. I, at some point I don’t quite remember exactly, felt that G-d had abandoned me. And once I said that out loud, once I acknowledged that – wow. G-d is our security blanket. G-d is our forever companion. G-d is here always and we are never alone.

These are the musings I wanted to share this week.

Someone out there who is reading this feels alone and doesn’t know why. In fact, since I discovered this loneliness, I have met so many others who are experiencing this themselves.

So now you have some tools to help you explore this loneliness. Know your burden. Have faith in the process bringing you to exactly where you need to be. And know that G-d is always here. If you don’t feel Him by your side, it is simply because He is holding you.

With love and light,